Rainbow Connection, Trainspotting, Dead Poets Society, my blood family, my friend family… things this makes me think of (and don’t question the tangential thought pattern of a crazy artist, sometimes you just have to look to understand, and sometimes you just don’t understand, like parents and siblings). I’m trying so hard to do this, and I’ve definitely got foundations. I’m trying to be my own Professor Keating. I need that YAWP (just watch Dead Poets).
I do my best to give this information to the people I love and to do it myself. I want to make things better for some certain people, but I can’t do anything about it. They’ve got to want to make things better for themselves and want that positive change; they’ve got to stop giving up on themselves. I feel guilty when I talk about the (largely good, this summer was an exception) things I’m doing and the self-preservation I’m undertaking to these people, when all I get back is negativity and guilt. Sometimes we have bitch sessions, just like in any relationship; I listen to their woes, feel awful and can’t do anything about it, and they’re mired in this negative, stagnant sludge (that I’ve been trying my whole life to escape from, and right now I’m doing a damn fine job considering the circumstances).
I told them how hard it is to overcome, considering how I was raised, and how hard it is for me to hear everything that’s going on with no ability or resources to help. I want so badly to make it, to be financially independent and have enough to help and give back, but I don’t (as soon as I do, you can bet your ass that I will, though). I want time to spend to make things better for them and help them see what’s wrong, but I can’t.
Wonder Woman can only be in one place at once. Makes sense, right?
I’ve gotta make things happen for me, and it’s not selfish.
(via thedarkwalk)
